23 January, 2006

Hammers, not just for nails

Wabbit Stew

A friend of mine was the reluctant recipient of not one but two bunnies last Easter. As the bunnies grew and were adopted as family pets by his kids, his worst fears were realized..... he had a male and a female. As they matured he told me that he had no desire to be a wabbit farmer, so I sent him my special recipe for Roadie's Homestyle Wabbit Stew, hoping it could solve his problem before he ends up with a backyard full of the things.

Hope you are hungry, here's the recipe!


1 wabbit

1 large pot w/lid

1 onion

1 head garlic

duck tape


a hammer

1 bunch carrots

First, get a wabbit. You seem to have this covered. Then get a bunch of carrots, well.............. maybe you should get the carrots first, 'cause it might make it easier to catch the wabbit. Then get an onion and a roll of duck tape, a head of garlic and a hammer with a wide head. If you only have a ball-peen, use it sideways. Get a large pot and put it on the stove. Don't turn the fire on, you're not ready for that yet. Take the duck tape and wrap it 359 degrees around the equator of the onion, and leave a courtesy tab to grab it with. Use more tape and do the same thing to the whole head of garlic. If you wrap the tape 360 degrees or more around either the onion or the garlic, you might as well throw 'em out and start over from the beginning*. Take one carrot and give it to the wabbit, and offer to take the wabbit to a movie after dinner. Don't look hungry when you do this, as they are very sensitive to ulterior motives. Under no circumstances should you offer cash to the wabbit. Fill the pot with water and light the fire, then offer dessert to the wabbit. While it chooses between the cheesecake and the chocolate moose, sneak up on it with the tape and wrap the wabbit securely, in a spiral pattern, making sure to stick tape to all the furry parts, without sticking the tape to the tape*. ( *we know what a nightmare THAT can be!) Be sure and save enough tape to cover the mouths of the screaming wife and children protesting, and/or cheering your questionable treatment of their pet.

Offer the wabbit a soothing hot bath to relax from the trauma of being taped, and line up the ingredients on a cutting board, left to right, in this SPECIFIC order. First, the onion, wrapped in tape, sticky-tab facing down. Then, the garlic, wrapped in tape, sticky-tab facing down. Then the wabbit, tab facing up. Hold it if it wiggles. Not the head. (If you are left-handed, hold it with your right hand.) Now get ready, because the next part happens really quick. It's pretty exciting, so you might want the family to watch, but no closer

than the kitchen door is the advisable safe distance.

Take a deep breath............. Relax...................... Visualize fine dining.

Unless you're really good at taping wabbits, the water should be boiling by now.

Pick up the hammer, and prepare to hit three blows of increasing strength, a tap, a smack, and a full wallop. Concentrate on the three taped ingredients lined up on the board and take aim.

Grip the hammer tightly. Ready, set, GO!

Three hits with the hammer, once on each, left to right, bing, Bam, BOOM!

Then take the lid off the pot and hit it with the hammer like a gong or cymbal, for effect. Your rapt family gasps, or perhaps cheers. Throw the hammer in the trash. Pick the onion up by the tab and snap it into the pot with a sharp flick of the wrist. This should peel it nicely. Then pick up the garlic by the tab and

do the same. You will be amazed at the efficiency of the tape in cleaning the garlic, but remember, good aim is essential for proper seasoning. Pick up the wabbit and hold the tab with both hands, thumbs facing up.

Take a step back and hold it above your head. With a brisk motion like throwing a soccer ball onto the field, snap the wabbit into the pot. This move should remove all fur from the wabbit and cause a pretty good splash. We will save the flambeau method for the advanced class. Pick up the nearly forgotten bunch of carrots, and walk to the kitchen door. Toss them over your shoulder and into the pot. Ask someone to put the lid on the pot. Proceed to the living room, turn on a Sportschannel and relax.

Simmer for 24 hours and tell the family you threw it out and you're having beef stew tomorrow.

The kids will love it.


Chef DeJour


A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm.

The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over.

The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up the patients ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring anothe banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.

Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie.

And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out the patient's ass.



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